i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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