Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
