3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
