She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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