worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
