everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
