just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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