i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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