Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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