I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
