Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
