I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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