Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
