He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
