He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
