hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
