One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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