hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
