you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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