My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
