Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
