Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
