mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
