4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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