She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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