I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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