hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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