That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
