if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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