By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
