what day is it and did you see me today?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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