we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
