Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
