I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
