I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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