You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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