I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
