im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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