meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
