i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
