Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
