my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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