You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
