never play flip cup with pint glasses
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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