dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
