I'm so fucking centered right now
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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