literally had 100 drinks last night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
