i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
