Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
