I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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