I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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